Jesus, Mary, and Timothy: A Peak Into My Chaos

A pediatric neurologist diagnosed my only child, Timothy, with Tourette Sydrome when he was 8years old.  My heart sunk as he confirmed what I feared for over a year.  Tim’s case is severe and renders him dysfunctional sometimes.  He cannot walk or talk.  When Tim was diagnosed my heart broke to a depth I have never experienced.  The wound still opens from time to time and my heart bleeds when I watch the most basic task of holding a toothbrush become a 15minute challenge as he brushes his teeth or a quick five minute walk across a high school parking lot turn into a 45minute challenge that involves me holding him up and helping him until I reach his assistant that follows him through the school day.  Tears often flow and it feels like blood is pouring from my heart as I watch his assistant hold him up and walk him down the halls of his school.  Someday, I will go into the ins and outs of Tourette Sydrome.  http://www.tourettetexas.org/

As Christmas approaches I think of Mary.  Any Bible belt native does.  I never viewed the life of Jesus through a mother’s eyes until recently.  I think about the roller coaster she rode being the Savior’s mother.  In Luke 1 the angels announce His birth and all of these miraculous events unfolded as the Son of God made His entrance to the world as a baby.  How exciting to see this glorious portion of His journey. 

I wonder when the sickening realization hit her that her first born Son was born to die, be crucified, and die a criminal’s death.  I ache with her when I read about His torture and mockery from the very people He was dying to save.  I thought about her as she watched helplessly from the foot of the cross as Jesus agonized for every breath he took, much like I watch my son often struggle for every step he takes.

I can’t count the number of times I have cried and raged, “This isn’t fair”, or “Tim does NOT DESERVE THIS.”  How often did Mary want to scream that very same thing?

“How can it be Your plan, God, to make Tim look like a freak?”  I have asked this.  Tim has asked this.

“How can it be Your plan that Your very own begotten son looks like a fool and a criminal”.  I don’t know if Mary thought this, but I know I would.

How hard it is sometimes to accept that God’s road for us leads through peaks AND valleys.  Glorious miracles AND blind trust knowing His Word IS TRUE.  THAT HE IS GOOD BECAUSE HIS WORD SAYS HE IS.

I wonder at what point did Mary lay down her dreams and plans for her Son and surrender them to the divine purpose that God put in place from the very beginning, before the foundation of the world was lain.  I wonder when I will find the strength to trust Tim’s fate to the hands of the One who designed His life from the beginning.

 I heard someone once state that it is foolish to judge a masterpiece until it is finished because the process can look like a big ole mess.  But when the pieces come together, it creates a picture more beautiful that we can imagine.  I wish I could remember who said that, but I remember the gist of it when I watch this portion of Tim’s beautiful life.  I KNOW the one who designed it, so I try to keep my eyes on the Craftsmen. 

#TouretteSyndrome 
#Godhelps 
#MarythemotherofJesus

Random Thoughts About God's Voice

The voice of God OVER us!  Absolute Power
Psalm 29:3 The voice of the Lord echoes above the sea. The God of glory thunders. The Lord thunders over the mighty sea. 4 The voice of the Lord is powerful; the voice of the Lord is majestic. 5 The voice of the Lord splits the mighty cedars; the Lord shatters the cedars of Lebanon.

The voice of God TO us!  Absolute Care
John 10:3 The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice.

The voice of God IN us!  Absolute Guidance
John 14:17 He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you.

If Almighty God sent His Almighty Son to be the Shepherd who lays down His life for His sheep.....
If Almighty Son of God conquered said death....
If Almighty Son of God had to go away so the God the Holy Spirit could come...
If the Almighty Holy Spirit came to be God IN us....

Then I going to trust His Words, His Voice, His ways.
    Over everything that scares me...
    Over everything that hurts me....
    Over every voice that speaks anything BUT the Word of God to me and in me...

I am learning He is exactly Who He says He is.

I Hate Country Music....but....

I hate country music, which is both a dangerous and brave confession for a Texas girl. I love Texas and nearly everything about Texas culture except country music.

Today I was driving home from visiting my mom. My car radio has a button that I push to scan through radio stations. Somehow it landed on an old school country station that was playing Johnny Cash. Because I watched I Walk the Line I am a Johnny Cash fan, just like all the other "the movie made me a convert" fans. The station played this song When I Get Where I'm Going right after by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton. That song made me cry like a five year old because it is about the things they will do when they get to Heaven.

Five years ago eternity terrified me. Today it ignites joy and passion. The difference between the reactions comes down to one word, Jesus. I know Him.

The third verse in Mr. Paisley's song talks about when he finally sees his Maker's face. Every time the thought of seeing His face chokes me up. Sometimes I fall off the edge of control and bawl my eyes out.

For so long the story of grace sounded like a mythical place that the "chosen ones" discovered. I always heard about the song of salvation, but I never caught on to the melody. Everything changed with one turn of a car radio dial. It wasn't a song, it was a word, The Word.

http://www.theimplantedword.com/

At that moment I knew God reached out to me. To make a long story short I said YES Yes to eternal life. Yes to salvation from my sin. Yes to a new beginning. Yes to a relationship with God, all gifts wrapped up in the amazing Jesus. At that moment I knew all of this is real and true because I met Jesus. Now it wasn't an it at all. It was a Him.

In these past five years, I have heard His voice. He speaks all time; in His Word, to my heart, through His Holy Spirit, and I recognize His voice. I have felt His presence; at my church, in my house, in my car, in the prison, at a loved one's funeral. I know in my heart He is real.

But I cannot wait for that day when I see His face, when faith is sight. I know I will say "You were worth it all!

Then, I changed the radio to Push It by Salt 'n Pepa. I was driving after all...at 75mph. It is dangerous to sob uncontrollably at those speeds!

I owe you nothing, but I give you everything

1 Chronicles 29 David’s Prayer of Praise

¹⁰ Then David praised the Lord in the presence of the whole assembly:

“O Lord, the God of our ancestor Israel, may you be praised forever and ever! ¹¹ Yours, O Lord, is the greatness, the power, the glory, the victory, and the majesty. Everything in the heavens and on earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as the one who is over all things. ¹² Wealth and honor come from you alone, for you rule over everything. Power and might are in your hand, and at your discretion people are made great and given strength.

¹³ “O our God, we thank you and praise your glorious name! ¹⁴ But who am I, and who are my people, that we could give anything to you? Everything we have has come from you, and we give you only what you first gave us! ¹⁵ We are here for only a moment, visitors and strangers in the land as our ancestors were before us. Our days on earth are like a passing shadow, gone so soon without a trace.

¹⁶ “O Lord our God, even this material we have gathered to build a Temple to honor your holy name comes from you! It all belongs to you! ¹⁷ I know, my God, that you examine our hearts and rejoice when you find integrity there. You know I have done all this with good motives, and I have watched your people offer their gifts willingly and joyously.

¹⁸ “O Lord, the God of our ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, make your people always want to obey you. See to it that their love for you never changes. ¹⁹ Give my son Solomon the wholehearted desire to obey all your commands, laws, and decrees, and to do everything necessary to build this Temple, for which I have made these preparations.”

²⁰ Then David said to the whole assembly, “Give praise to the Lord your God!” And the entire assembly praised the Lord, the God of their ancestors, and they bowed low and knelt before the Lord and the king.

 

I read this a few days ago.  This humbled me.  Sometimes I forget God owes me nothing.  Strictly speaking, I am entitled to nothing from God.

 

Romans 11:36 For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.

 

Acts 17:28 For in Him we live and move and have our existence.

 

I forget that while I was still a sinner Christ died for me.(Romans 5:8).  I buried the memory of my rebellion, my sin and how in the middle of that He came to me.  I did not come to Him. He reached out for me, called my name and saved me.

 

God saved me by grace, through faith that is not mine.  My faith is a gift from God.  He activated it, I gave it back to Him and I am saved.  He gave me blessings and spiritual gifts, then He blessed me for giving them back to Him.

 

I have nothing on my own.  No good thing dwells in my flesh.  Nothing.

 

His kindness led to my repentance.

 

Sometimes I think, "You owe me, God." because of what I think I do for Him.

 

Then, I read this and I remember.  "I owe You so much for saving me, for filling me with Your Spirit...for even messing with me on some days."

 

He is God.  I am not.  Sometimes that is only answer I have.  He could say, "I don't owe you anything. I am God and you're a sinner."  Instead, He said, "I am going to give you my Son so you won't be a sinner anymore."  "I am going to prepare a place for you in Heaven so you can be with me."  "I am going to give you the Holy Spirit and He will guide and comfort you.  He will be God in you."  "I am going to give you My peace, My hope."  "I am going to give you eternal life."  "I am going to give you blessings and spiritual gifts, then I am going to reward you for giving them back to me."

 

He owes me nothing, but He gave me everything.  I love Him.

I am The Saved! I am the Redemeemed! I am the Whosoever Part 2

The Yearning

 

Proverbs 16:1 We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answers.

Proverbs 16:25 There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.

 

What does it mean, “the Lord saved me”? I thought I knew what made happy, and I pursued those things with my whole heart. They were normal things that everyone seeks, but when I got them I was empty. The more I tried to fill that emptiness, the deeper the hole went. It frustrated me, confused me, embittered me. The bitterness rooted, blossomed and grew into something I did not like. I had a great husband, beautiful son, a job I liked, a cute home, but none of it changed the longing I felt. What was wrong with me?

 

In 2008, while watching The Transformers movie at home, we noticed Tim's head twitching, rhythmically and repeatedly. By the middle of the weekend he was grunting. We called his pediatrician. We recorded him. We tried to solve the mystery. Twitching turned to jerking, grunts turned to sounds and words. In April 2009. Tim’s 2^nd grade teacher called. She was upset because Tim was “falling out of his chair and thrashing around on the ground.” We went to the ER. We thought he had seizures. To make a long story short, doctors diagnosed Tim with Tourette Syndrome (TS). At that moment everything I thought I wanted in the world no longer mattered. All I wanted was for Tim to be well, to be cured. There was no cure. Medicine offered little to no help. Medications take the edge off but its effectiveness comes and goes.

 

TS broke something in me that no one or nothing could mend. I could feel my heart bleeding because I could not fix my son. I could not shield him from the stares, the ignorance, the comments, the jokes.

 

In the summer of 2009 my husband kept talking about a preacher he heard on the radio. I laughed at him a little bit because listening to preachers on the radio or TV is what old people did, and we weren’t old. He said, “he’s different.”

http://www.theimplantedword.com/ 

One morning my son was struggling with explosive and crippling tics. I got it my car to take him to school and my radio was on 102.3, Radio By Grace. The preacher was Bill Gehm, senior pastor at Grace Church www.calvaryamarillo.org/ in Amarillo, TX. The minute I heard his voice I started to cry. I have no idea why and I had barely heard him for even a minute, but something or Someone overwhelmed me and I could not get a grip. I listened every single day for a year. I refused to go to this church, but I kept listening.

 

One day my husband sat me down and said, “we belong at that church. I know it’s what God wants and it is what we’re going to do.”  I followed him kicking, complaining, and making life difficult for him every Sunday. Then he said, “we’re going to the Wednesday service”. That infuriated me. I accepted we were attending on Sundays. 1 hour once a week…no big deal. On Wednesday Tim’s tics exploded. He laid in our living room floor, rolling and thrashing. His entire body ticced. Jason pushed us on and out the door. As soon as I walked in the sanctuary…tears. I heard every word he preached that night; about unfaithful Israel who looked to other gods instead of the true God, and it wrecked her, stripped her of her glory.

 

I thought on that sermon for weeks. Finally, Sunday, November 21, 2010 I had enough of the war in my heart between me and God so when I woke up that morning. I decided, “this is my day of salvation. I surrender everything to God.” …..and I did. Why? Because my way was not working. I thought, “ok, let’s give this a shot.” I stood when Pastor Bill Gehm gave the altar call and God reset my life. Everything changed, some of it was immediate and glorious, some of it has been a process. But, I can’t forget that call or God's voice. I heard Him so clearly, and it was the first time in my life I knew He was speaking to me. I told Jason that God grabbed my face and made me look at Him in the eyes. He called so passionately that every time I think “I want to walk away from Him” (and sometimes I do feel that way), I stop; because I remember all that I have seen and heard and learned. Life by faith can be hard. We control none of it except the decision to walk where it tells us to go, moving towards a home we cannot see and a God we cannot touch. Faith lives in our hearts. That is where I see, hear, touch and KNOW God. In the depth of who I am, I know Him. I yearn for Him. He satisfies a place deep inside that no one else could, yet at the same time my heart craves more and more; because He never stops calling to us once we say “yes”, because He is infinite.  I love that mystery, and I love that I am a page in His story. 

 

I love living for a Kingdom that is bigger than me and mine, a Kingdom that will continue after I am gone and until He comes. And that will last forever when Heaven and earth fade away.  If that is simple, gullible, so be it. The day the doctors said, “he has Tourette Syndrome and there is no cure” made every desire for this world fade away except three. 1. Healing for my son 2. That my life reflects Him 3. That my life makes a significant impact on just one person. His way makes my life  meaningful here and gives me hope in the life to come. His way makes me more compassionate, more patient, more understanding because I know I will answer for how I treat my fellow man in this life. His way is just all around better than my own. I look for ways to love, to serve, to bless because that is what Jesus did for me. He saw my greatest need and He rescued me. He saved me from myself! I love Him.

 

 

Isaiah 55:8 For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, saith the Lord.

 

I am saved! I am the redeemed! I am the whosoever!

I'm Saved! I'm Redeemed!

"For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, for it is the power of God unto salvation, first to the Jew then to the gentiles." Romans 1:16

In November 2010, I finally understood what the gospel, what the "good news" was all about....that while I was still a SINNER, Jesus Christ died for me (Romans 5), and I only have to believe in my heart that Jesus Christ is who He says He is and confess that He is my Lord and Savior (Romans 10)...then I am saved.  Saved from what?  That's a good question and I am glad you asked. My pastor spent a long time in Romans and I hope he would be proud that it stuck!

My next several posts will tell you what I think it means and what it has meant for me. The Bible says to let the redeemed say so. I am redeemed. It is my favorite story in the world to tell!

1. I am saved from hell.  Hell is real. Hell exists for satan and his demons, not for us. The question of evil vs righteous, good person vs bad person is complicated. Why would a God who loves people allow them to go there. There are "immutable"(points for my theological term) traits in God. He is love. He is eternal. He is holy. I read today in 2 Timothy 2 that God is faithful. Honestly, the question as to why God would allow good people to go to hell bothered me too until He gave me a personal illustration one day. I crossed paths with a person who is a registered sex offender. He committed the offense against a minor. I have trust issues, so I do background checks on nearly everyone who comes in close contact with me or my family. He wanted to hug me.  I rejected his hug and did not want him in my presence. That day, I got it. I am human, with all the flaws and secrets we all hide, but I am not someone who would harm a child, especially in that way. Look at how the world is reacting to known child abusers. Why do we want to keep them away? Because our decent, protective nature can't handle them in our presence. Our reaction is to shrink back or to push away. God is perfectly holy, and we cannot understand that kind of purity. God cannot change His holiness, it is who He is. Consequently, sin, even the "smallest" degree of sin cannot enter His presence. He reacts to it by pushing it away. He can't change who He is.

So what are we going to do? I can't be holy and He can't stop being holy.  God made us to live with Him. The only way was to have His son, Jesus, bear all of our sin and its consequences in our place. He died in our place because Jesus is holy and knew no sin until He paid for mine. That is mercy. Then He rose from the dead. Do you know what He asked for in return? Faith to believe in our hearts and faith to accept His way. When we believe, we are saved. We are not going to hell. We are going to Heaven, forever! That is grace. That is good news and it turned my world right side up. I wrecked it, turned it upside down, but He had mercy. He saved me.

It makes no sense. How can I believe it? Tourette syndrome removed the scales from my eyes. When I have no answers, when medical experts have no answers, I have nowhere else to look but up. Up to a power that is greater than yours and mine. Up to a name that is higher than any other. Up to a love so great He would humble Himself so that I could be lifted up and seated in Heavenly places. My son, who struggles sometimes with walking and talking, believes.  Do you know where he gets his strength to face it all, day after day?  He looks up as the world looks on. I've seen it. I've tasted it. I know He is real and this works.

This world is temporary. I am so glad because for me none of satisfies and I know a glorious future awaits in 40+ years!

Stay tuned! I'm just getting started. He is glorious. And John 3:16-17 is THE TRUTH. "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life. God did not send His Son to the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved." That is good news!

You Should Write a Book (Or a Blog)

The people in my life often say, “You should write a book”, or “Have you thought about writing a book”, or “You should start a blog.”  Are they being nice?  Do they mean it?  One of my defining traits is the ability to over-think everything and become paranoid about people’s motives…I’m a little neurotic.  I can admit it!

Sometimes, it sounds fun.  Sometimes, my imagination runs away from me and I imagine myself as the next Corrie Ten Boom with tons of people reading what I have to say and finding inspiration in my story.  Most of the time, I think “that would be nice” and then I go on my way.

I AM NOT A WRITER.  Let me say that again.  I AM NOT A WRITER.  But, those who know me well know I have a lot to say, about everything.  I am a bit on the shy side, but I form opinions on just about every topic I hear about.  If you give me the chance, I will share and defend my view on just about anything.  My intensity is proportionate to my passion on the subject.  Most of what I write on FACEBOOK or EMAILS is about subjects that consume my heart.  I write about my family.  I write about my amazing son who struggles with Tourette Syndrome and OCD.  I write about my God, my Savior Jesus Christ, and about how He saved me, how He changed me and what He is teaching me.  That is my favorite subject to write about, but all three seem to resonate with people who read what I write.

Sometimes the mood hits me and I feel like Jeremiah when he said the words became like fire shut up inside.  That happens to me sometimes, and I pour it out… mostly in my journal; sometimes in email, sometimes on FACEBOOK.  

When people say, “you should write a blog”, I just say thank you and nod my head.  There are reasons I resist.  

1.  I didn’t feel directed to do so... plain and simple.  My life is complicated by Tourette Sydrome, working a full time job, taking care of my family and participating on the worship team at my church.  This leads to reason number 2.

2.  I didn’t want to commit to having to keep up with a blog.  I don’t know if I can consistently write often enough to keep it current.  But, Jason, my voice of reason, said “You don’t have to.  Just keep it for you, write when you want to.”  So simple, so wise.  

3.  I have terrible grammar.  This same “voice of reason" I mentioned before likes to point that out.  If I’m going to put my thoughts out into cyberspace, where they can be googled and come back to haunt me later, then I want to make sure they are grammatically correct.  But, I have my Jason who will help me!  

4.  I feel stupid and exposed. I read comment sections.  Do I really want to open myself up that that kind of abuse?!

The bottom line is this.  In my heart, I feel this is the right time. So deep breath, here we go.  And, thank you to those who read to the end!